It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

This is not an original idea, rather one shared by a friend a while ago that I took to heart.

Everyone has their life struggles: weights on their shoulders, skeletons in their closets, locked away secrets of the past. These take a toll on us every day. Some days less so than others, but they’re always there because they are what made us who we have become.

Often times though, you may hear people say or you may yourself think that the pain caused by these secrets you keep hidden behind your outside face is not that bad. You should just get over it. So many other people have it so much worse. It could always be worse, it could have been worse, and you should be grateful for what you have. While this is partially true, it doesn’t in any way lessen what you are feeling. It doesn’t make what you experienced any less real or any more acceptable. It doesn’t mean that whatever it is that hurt you and left you forever marked is just suddenly “okay” because “it could have been worse.”

I was fortunate enough to find a community to help me acknowledge my pains, accept them, and deal with them when they reared their ugly heads. This community was a group of Resident Advisors at college. Some may roll their eyes at this. Oh the RA, here to save the day. Psh. But honestly, while we RA’s may be an annoyance most of the time, we really do change lives. And in reality, the majority of lives changed may be of the RA’s themselves.

Time has passed however. I graduated and my RA community disbursed across the world and I am realizing just how much this community did for me. I knew what I had learned and the training I received was invaluable, but I didn’t realize just how important being a part of the community had been for me as well on a personal level. Hindsight is 20/20 and I’m seeing just how imperative it is to have a support for those times when you’re “not okay”.

So don’t be ashamed when the weight of your world becomes too heavy for your shoulders to bear. It’s okay to not be okay all the time. The important part is to find someone or some community who understands this and is there to help you hold the weight so you can stand back up again, square your shoulders, then carry on unashamedly with being who you are: burdens and all.

You: The Difference Between Another Day and Another Tragedy

I woke up this morning to news of a shooting at the school in my hometown, NAU. Not a mass shooting or the type of shooting you would expect when you hear “school shooting”: it would appear that a gun was used to resolve a conflict between two groups of people.

I was relieved when I read that it was not someone on campus with the intent to kill and injure the masses. But I also then imagined what it would be like if WPI, my alma mater, were to one morning wake up to news that there had been a conflict and 4 people were shot and one had died. The campus would be stunned and would certainly suffer some paralysis at the news. My mind then asked a question:

 “Where are the student leaders?”

Most of these incidences- mass shootings, fights, suicides, etc- are discussed beforehand by those planning them. I know it this is not always the case, but if you listen hard enough and pay attention to those who are usually ignored, you will see the warning signs much of the time. Instead of putting your head down when the conversation goes to these uncomfortable places, lift your head, open your eyes, observe, and question. Pay attention to the signs and report concerns to others and to the authorities. Together, the student body is a powerful thing. Support each other and protect each other. Take action. Step up. Don’t wait and assume someone else will take care of it.

But tragically, the warnings fall on deaf ears or sometimes are not there and the campus suffers a blow like Virginia Tech, like UCC in Oregon, or like NAU. While VT and UCC were much more severe and larger scale incidents, in all these cases, the campus goes through a recovery process and in all cases, again the student leaders must step up to the plate. I can’t imagine being involved in a situation like this, big or small. I know Flagstaff is a loving supportive community and together they will begin the healing process.

I was fortunate to not have experienced anything like this in my time as a student leader at WPI. The WPI campus has a great group of student leaders through their RA’s, CA’s, SSN, and Greek Life. I hope the community continues to recognize these leaders and work to train them to their fullest potential. I also hope they stress that a student doesn’t have to be in a leadership position to make a difference. Everyone plays a role in keeping the campus and the student body safe. And I hope other schools do the same so these tragedies can be prevented.

You never know the impact you could have whether it’s by asking someone genuinely if they’re okay, or by reporting something concerning you’ve observed. Share this message with others and take care to pay attention to those around you. You can make a difference. You can be the difference.

 

 

 

Unstructured Thoughts: Greener Grass is Just as Bitter

 

I have added a new post to my Unstructured Thoughts page. If you’re interested in reading Greener Grass is Just as Bitter click here.

To Trade a Lifetime for a Smile

It’s been quite a while. Many things have occurred since my last post; many things have changed, but one thing seems to remain constant in the back of my mind: this thought of determining my definition of success.

Base thought: Start with the end in mind.

Life Lesson 6

Scene: I was reunited with my best friend from college after several months of sparse communication. Our conversation progressed as one might expect: work related updates, personal life updates, the down-and-dirty gossip updates (who’s banging who, who’s become a cocky asshole, etc) and finally, the I’m-not-sure-what-I’m-doing-with-my-life updates. As we penetrated the armor of “socially acceptable conversation” of this final, heavy topic, a scene came to mind.

The time has come. You can feel it; almost peaceful. You are dying. Death enters your room, approaches the mangled car, appears next to you as you feel your heart beat one last time. In unspoken words, you are to follow him. It’s time to leave. You look at your empty body and your surroundings. Then you look at him and say “Give me a minute.” You examine the person you were, what you did during your time here, who you were to other people, who you were to yourself. You think about who will attend your funeral and the things they will say. You think about how you will be remembered and how your life will have mattered in a year, in ten years. Turning back to Death, you take a deep breath, or perhaps it was a sigh, “I am ready.” He turns and begins to walk away. You follow him, with a smile.

Scene 2: I recently had a discussion of Stephen Covey’s book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I recommend this book to those doing any sort of soul searching or self improvement.

Lesson..?: In my opinion, you must be ready to die at any moment. Don’t let this prevent you from living your life as you would, but at any moment, Death could appear next to you and as you look up at him, you see the bus hurdling out of control in your direction. I think it is appropriate then to always have the end in mind. Or rather, when attempting to determine who you want to be and how you can be successful, start with the end. Covey touches on this idea as well, suggesting you picture your funeral and what would be said about you. In my examination of Covey’s ideas, I realized there is an external element to success as well. In achieving success, there are the things you accomplished and your feeling of integrity, but there is also the person others saw you as and the impact you made on them. And so the question (still) stands: when Death appears and you take that minute to examine what has been and what the epilogue will be in The Saga of [insert your name here], what would you need see to allow you to then follow Death with that smile?

Recap: What would you do to be able to trade a lifetime for a smile?

Our Unknown Super Power

Brilliant thoughts don’t come every day. If they did, we would have solutions to all of our problems. Or maybe our problems aren’t actually problems and therefore there are no problems to solve…. or perhaps our thoughts create our problems and thus we’re in an infinite loop of creation and solution….

Base thought: The ability to communicate is a powerful thing.

Life Lesson 5

Scene: I had a small disagreement with my senior project group this weekend. I learned today after finally forcing them to talk to me about it that it could have been completely avoided if my partners had simply explained to me their thought process.

Scene 2: Today someone approached me and made a very small but funny comment jokingly complimenting me on something mildly awkward which had just happened. We laughed and he departed, but after, I found myself smiling broadly as I finished what I was doing.

Lesson: When you think about it, a majority of our problems stem from our fear to communicate. Or at least a majority of them could be solved if we weren’t so afraid to speak up. Everything from asking for help on a math question we don’t understand to telling someone that what they are doing or saying is inappropriate. Sometimes we’re all thinking it but no one has the guts to actually just say it. People don’t understand the things we could do if we simply used our words. These words along with our non verbal forms of communication have an incredible amount of power especially with relation to human emotions. One simple compliment can leave a person smiling and confident or something as small as a harsh, judging look can send someone’s emotions reeling, their self confidence smashed to the ground. We must remember this in our day to day life. This is a great power that we as humans have and of course with that power comes great responsibility…..

Recap: We are fortunate to be able to communicate as we can. It is a gift. A super power. Use it. 

Success is Relative

Who am I to be writing things like I am? No one. I’m not a philosopher or some great scholar. But I do happen to be an expert in breathing. I’ve been doing it for 21 years.

Base thought: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness*

Life Lesson 4

Scene: Today was homecoming. This apparently is the collegiate day of acceptance for getting drunk before 3pm and not caring about the repercussions of ones actions. However, it also is a day for alumni to return and share their tales of victory and turmoil and to show their rhetorical medals of honor and battle scars from their time spent in the real world. Being a senior, this naturally meant I spent a lot of time listening to those stories and sharing potential plans of attack for when I am drafted into the fight of the real world.

Lesson: I recently watched the movie Into the Wild and when talking with my war torn friends I brought up the main lesson I learned from this movie: success is relative. Yes what the McCandless did was very bold and very freeing, but in the end, they eluded to the fact that perhaps he was not ultimately happy. And most certainly others would likely not find ultimate happiness in that lifestyle either. So then what is the ultimate goal of life? Well since everyone is unique, each of our goals should be unique as well shouldn’t they? Each of us has our own unique dreams and desires and thus our own idea or definition of success. And therefore the …

*Pursuit of Happiness is relative.

The Beginnings

So I’ve started a blog. But really it’s just a place for me to put down lessons I’ve learned through everyday life experiences and ideally, maybe others will read the wonderings of my mind and learn as well.

My base thought: the world could be such a nicer place if only people paid attention to each other and thought before they spoke or acted.

Life Lesson 1

Scene: Today I went to Boston with some friends. On the drive there, there was an accident which caused a relatively large traffic back up. A few miles down the road, a toll booth caused another rather large traffic jam. After passing through the toll, 5 lanes have to merge to 2 and it’s a giant aggressive mess. In our attempts to merge, we wound up jockeying for position with another car for the next available spot in the two lane merge dance. It seemed we had the right away, but it also seemed as if the other car was going to cut us off. It was light out and so we looked over at the other driver for his reaction. We made eye contact and instead of ignoring this basic form of human communication and aggressively continuing, the man motioned for us to go first and we gave him a thumbs-up which he returned and then caused all parties involved to end the interaction smiling.

Lesson: Is it really that hard to simply take one second to smile at someone? To give someone a thumbs up? To appreciate the fact that while you don’t know each other, you can still be kind courteous human beings and lessen the stress of our stupid everyday lives? No it’s not that hard. And the feeling you get is worth much more of your time.

Life Lesson 2

Scene: Our Boston adventure continued and while leaving a late night meal in a suburb of Boston we walked past a man dressed as a woman dancing on the sidewalk. We all awkwardly avoided eye contact and shuffled away as quickly as possible to chuckle and judge once we had gotten back to our car.

Lesson: If this person did not want to be dressed the way they were and dancing on a sidewalk they wouldn’t. Obviously they are living their life the way they want to be living it and are doing things that make them happy no matter what others think of them. Is this not an admirable trait? Why were we embarrassed to walk past this person? Why would it be weird if one of us had stopped and said “I think it’s awesome that you’re doing what you want, keep it up.”? Can you imagine how good you’d feel if someone stopped you and said they admired how you lived your life and encouraged you to continue? Perhaps there is much more behind this and they were actually soliciting through dancing but what if there wasn’t? Who are we to say there was?

 Life Lesson 3

Scene: Once we’d returned to Worcester and were back on campus, we drove past a group of people fully supporting a dangerously intoxicated person. We called campus police who said they’d go check on them.

Lesson: What kind of stupid thought process do college students have about using substances?  How is it at all cool or fun to get so intoxicated that you can’t even hold your own head up and your friends have to carry you home? What kind of friend are you if your friend is dangerously intoxicated and yet you don’t get them the help they need because you don’t want to “get them in trouble” so you just put them to bed and let them “sleep it off”? What authority do you have to say that that friend will be able to sleep it off? Who are you to make that judgment call? How would you feel if you came back the next morning to find your friend in the same place? Not breathing. Cold. Gone. Dead. You made that decision to not get them help. Good thing you didn’t get them in trouble though.

Recap: We as humans should appreciate each other because we’re all in this together. Maybe there’s a reason why we’re here, maybe not. Maybe there is some almighty being watching and directing us, maybe not. All we know, all we’re certain of is the here and the now and the one shot we get at this life of ours. And we’re all in it together. So why constantly work against each other? If we can all help to make each other’s lives easier and more pleasant, why would we not?