Here there be monsters!
So I realized there is one issue with the manner in which I began my blog. The structure of it sometime prevents me from posting my thoughts because I can’t fit them into that structure! So this is my current solution.
These thoughts will likely be more open ended, possibly darker, and have a high probability of being left unfinished or without resolution.
Ye be warned!
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I am afraid I am not leading the life I want to live.
I have been listening to podcasts and watching videos from my favorite online group, Rooster Teeth, and the stories they tell are hilarious. A thought crossed my mind that you know you have a good friend group when you can have such an “interesting” hilarious discussion that other people, thousands and sometimes millions, listen to it, enjoy it, and laugh and laugh and laugh. I then realized I don’t have a friend group anywhere close to capable of generating conversation that would be so enjoyable… even to ourselves! The thought then emerged that I am not living an interesting enough life to be able to have the kinds of stories that would be so interesting.
The further I get into “my life” the more I question the path I’ve taken. I was always focused on academics. In high school, I helped start an influential FIRST Robotics team, then I went to a relatively prestigious engineering school, Worcester Polytechnic Institute. I worked my ass off at WPI. Or rather spent an exorbitant amount of time trying to work. Looking back, if I had simply focused and worked hard when I was working and then stopped working to hang out/chill/play/chat, I would have had a much easier go of things. But there was always work to be done and always guilt if I wasn’t working.
I am now graduated and in a (supposedly) relatively prestigious leadership development program at one of the top defense companies in the world. This program requires a lot of work outside of the normal 40 hours per week. During my first year, we were taking specially tailored, weekly classes given on and by the company. Each class had it’s own homework or project. When these classes ended, I had about a 2 week break and then I had to begin my Master’s of Science: another requirement of the program. I took two classes over the summer and am now in one for the fall. And again I’m experiencing the ever present guilt that I should be working on work for my Master’s class. Additionally, we’ve started our second year requirements for the program which includes managing and executing a special technical project for the company. It is high stakes, real world level and we’re expected to perform like any other project at the company in terms of organization and company requirements. Stuff we’ve never done before and now need to understand and get right on the first shot.
As I type this, I should be working on homework for my class which has a midterm in 2.5 days. And oh, there it is. The guilt.
The reason I’m telling you all of this is because every thing I’ve done so far, all the time I spend working working working….. I’m not enjoying it. I’m not making memories. I’m not generating stories that I’ll share with friend groups in a year or two. I wake up, go to work, come home and work on homework. When my mind reaches a point where it can’t take it anymore (which is occurring more and more often) I go to my favorite online group mentioned previously and listen or watch their content. And I feel guilty doing the only thing these days that makes me happy.
I feel as though I’m stuck. To the outside world, I “have it made”. I have a college education, I nailed a job right out of college, I’m working in the field “that I love”. I should be living the dream. I should be set for life. I am what most people believe is a successful “young person” story. But the common theme of my thoughts these days is that I don’t like what I’m doing. How terribly sad is it that I spend more time doing things that I absolutely don’t want to be doing? How terribly sad is it that I feel guilty for not being happy?
I desperately just want to find something that I am excited to do every day. If you’ve read my other posts, you know that I have been very focused on developing my own definition of success. The one bit that I’ve come up with so far is that I just want to be happy. And so far…..
I’m not happy.
The Methods, Madness, and Meanderings of Maddie's Mind 